Move on

someone told me this ' please, move on. Dont you ever think what type of he is? He is not the one for you,kay. Open your eyes'

Yes. Yes. You are right. And i probably wrong. I knew it and i realize it. But, when it is something about heart and feeling, dont you ever think it not as easy as written A B C in a pieces pf paper,kay. Honestly, i try harder. Very hard. I try not too. But sometimes it doesnt work. Seriously. Put yourself in other shoes. You will understood it.

I do everything to move on. I let myself do cried every single day when i missing him. I let my heart get hurt when i keep on thinking of him. I let myself dying inside when i realize i can't be with him anymore. Its too bad, peoples. the feeling just like you want to put it away. And you will never want it anymore for your entire life. Never.

And for now, i just say NO to him when he want me back because i dont want he anymore but because i can't. My love is not something that you can play with anymore. I will save it safely for my hubby to be. If he is mine in future, i'll say yes. But not now.

I need to move on totally. Let Allah set our pathway. I can't get hurt anymore. So, maybe this is the best of us. And if you say i might be regret for this, i just can smile and trust with Allah. Jodoh tangan tuhan. I will accept anything. Must be He have something for me that i never know.

I just can't accept that i need to lose you. I tried to tell myself that i wouldn't. But it is possible. I need to realize, you are not mine anymore. Its not easy dear. Honestly, i just can't stop from loving you. You will never realize that but it is the true of me. I love you more more and more each day. It just came naturally. I just hope the pain that i need to go through will heal faster.

Dear, i love you much. I do this for us. If you are mine, we will get back sooner or later. Love you much.

Frustrated

sangat kecewa. Kali ini mari bercakap dalam bahasa melayu untuk memartabatkan bahasa kebangsaan kita. Eh eh, apa la yang saya merepak. HAHA.

topik sebenar macam ni. Saya tersangatlah memiliki sebiji kereta. Amat! Sebab? Ala, macam macam lah.

1 ) Saya dapat offer untuk hadiri kelas English dekat damansara yang murah. Rm200 untuk 12 kelas. Seminggu 2 kelas. Kelas malam sahaja. Oleh itu, saya sangatlah perlukan kereta untuk ke sana. Takkan kenderaan awam pulak malam malam buta. Perempuan kot.! Sigh.

2) Bila perlu ke mana2 dan urusan itu sangat perlukan kereta. Apa mampu saya lakukan selain mengharapkan kereta. Sangat sangat perlu.

3) Kereta adalah pengangkutan. Maka, ia akan mengangkut saya ke mana mana sahaja. Perlu sangat.

Ok, nampak tak kepentingan dia sekarang.? Macam ada lagi tapi macam malas la nak tulis panjang panjang kan. Fikir sendiri lah, kay? Korang pun boleh fikir kan.

Tapi, kenapa lah parents saya susah sangat nak faham? Kenapa mereka tak pernah nampak susah saya di sini. Saya survive tahu! Sangat, dan sampai satu masa, saya penat. Air mata saya mengalir untuk semua ini. Saya anak remaja. Saya perlukan satu kehidupan yang menceriakan saya. tolong. Tolong lah sokong saya. Tolong lah fahami saya. Tolong sangat. Saya bekerja. Saya penat bekerja. Saya inginkan sesuatu untuk bahagiakan saya. Please? T_T

Betul, saya tak tipu, saya sangat sedih. Saya kecewa sangat bila kamu tak faham pun perasaan saya. Kehidupan saya. Keperluan dan kehendak saya. Tolong. Air mata saya mengalir kerena ini. Laju. Dan tangan saya pun laju mengesat air mata, biar tiada yang tahu.

Demi kebahagiaan kamu, saya lupakan kebahagiaan saya. Ya, saya tipu bila kata saya ok sebab tidak sebenarnya. Saya paksa diri untuk terima. Betul, paksa. Apalah lagi yang mampu saya lakukan selain itu.

Sungguh saya kecewa, derita sekarang. :(

Update

Now my heart had something to tell.

Its had been a while i not write anything. Its not i had nothing to share, but my heart don't want to share it yet. And now, i think, its a time for me to share with you.

A few weeks ago, i meet my old friend in facebook. Credit to facebook for make an unique meet up. Unexpected. And it make me keep on refreshing my memories that i had between him. And a smile appears to shown everything.

He is one of my classmate when i was at standard 6. It had been ages, you. And the memories is not so clear actually. What i do remember is, he always calling me at home, my dad know him as he is my dad friend's son. So, nothing to worries with the call. And i know why he kept on calling but as a very little girl, it not mean too much for me. Then when i got an offer to somewhere of boarding school had ending everything. Nothing to regret. As we move on by our own ways. No more news we know about each others.

Then, facebook meet we up. We had a short conversation, replaying all the memories, telling about our own self rite now, and a bit about the feeling that left aside before.

Its such a big surprise for me when he keep on telling me how he want to get know me back as i might be different from before ( act that is what i stress out to him ;p ) , how he still waiting for me, how he do love me as before and soo much more sweet words he gave. I just smile and telling him not too. I just a girl with broken heart and he wont be the person that i used to heal the wound i had. I wont and never do that. I dont want to hurt others heart as it too much pain for me.

Then i just ask him to start it from the beginning. And it not such a big deal for him as i still give a chance, try to get to know me and what so ever. As such a little girl, i do trust the word that he gave. Not at all but at least i do.

When he do came into my birthday party, everything was so clear. The word that he gave is just a word. There was so many thing i never know about him. The lies he gave just for a fews days make me felt regret. Even i never put any hopes for anything but as he was my previous friends totally make me felt so dispointed. So much.

And both of us end it up with very simple way. And he never reach me up anymore. There was no more comment, no more chit chatting, no more texting or call and there just nothing at all.

That make me smile and kept on thinking that boy is still a boy. Nothing changed it. and i just wish he be happy with his own life. And maybe our friendship end together with this ending conversation .

for him. do takecare of yourself and goodluck. your pathway of life is still far away. Get your life,occay :)

empty

it a lots of things i want to update.
But i feel so empty then i cant write.
It will sound worse.
See you later, kay
Do take care of yourself.
I heart all of you :D

Istikharah

Buka FB terlihatkan status dari iluvislam.com. Sesuatu yang berkata soal istikharah. Ya, istikharah. Sesuatu yang amat besar maknanya tapi jarang yang sedar kan. :)

Tangan ini laju menekat url yang ada di situ dan ia menemukan saya dengan artikel mengenai istikharah. Setelah di baca dan di fahami, baru tersedar ceteknya ilmu. Dan terlalu luasnya ilmuan Lillahi yang perlu di terokai dan di fahami.

Istikharah adalah sesuatu yang besar. Sangat besar. Bukan sekadar meminta petunjuk bila perlu membuat pilihan. Ia lebih kepada ketetapan hati sendiri selepas berusaha dan yakin keputusan itu kebersamaan dengan Allah. Beristikharah memanggil kebersamaan Allah dalam keputusan yang kita buat. Kita yang membuat keputusan itu, dengan keyakinan hasil Istikharah, bahawa keputusan yang kita buat itu adalah dengan kebersamaan Allah.

Dan bukan semua perkara perlukan istikharah. Selalu kita tersilap kan. Sebagai anak remaja yang penuh dengan nafsu dan emosi, sungguh, istikharah sering di jadikan landasan dalam membuat keputusan sedangkan akal telahpun menetapkan keputusannya berdasarkan logik akal kita tapi kerna di tutupi emosi kita harapkan istikharah jadi jalan penyelesaian dan berharap allah memberi petunjuk yang menyebelahi hati dan perasaan kita. Tapi, itu kah istikharah yang sebenar? Saya pun tak lah pandai untuk mengulas dengan lebih mendalam. Sila sila lah baca artikel di iluvislam ye ;)

Soal istikharah ini mengingatkan saya pada sesuatu. Dulu, sewaktu saya terpaksa lepaskan si dia saya menjadi amat susah hati dan sedih. Lantas, saya tujukan segala perasaan itu pada yang Esa, di tikar sejadah saya mengadu padaNya. Berharap bahawa Dia yang Esa bersama saya membantu saya harungi segala. Setelah resah itu hilang, saya terus cuba berdiri. Saat itu, saya yakin dengan ketentuanNya bilamana melepaskannya pergi menjadikan saya tenang dengan bimbinganNya.

Namun, bila si dia datang menagih kembali kasih kami, saya mula terkeliru. Tetapan saya goyah, hati saya mula menidakkan segala akal yang ada. Lantas, sekali lagi saya pohon pada-Nya. Di tikar sejadah usang itu, saya menangis meratap dan mengadu segala pada-Nya. Berharapkan sesuatu keajaiban muncul. Dan istikharah menjadi jalan akhir untuk saya. Akal saya tidak mampu menandingi hati saya, maka saya memilih istikharah. 3 malam saya lakukannya. 3 malam saya memohon. 3 malam saya harapkan mimpi itu datang. dan akhirnya saya bermimpi, dan terlihatkannya. Lantas, saya membuat keputusan untuk memilihnya kembali kerna berasakan mimpi itu adalah yang terbaik.

Tapi, sebenarnya keputusan itu hanyalah mainan hati dan perasaan. Dan kini, untuk sekian kalinya, saya masih begini. Terluka dan disakiti. Perlukah saya menyesali keputusan saya dahulu.? Ah biarlah. Yang berlalu biarkan berlalu. Mulakan dengan yang baru agar segalanya lebih indah di hati, bukan sekadar di pandangan.

Seseorang pernah meminta saya untuk melakukan solat istikharah, lagi, untuk menentukan keputusan kali ini. Tapi, saya hanya tersenyum dan terus terfikir. Perlukah? Dan saya masih lagi tersenyum.

Hari ini saya yakin, saya tidak perlu semua itu. Kerana maksud dan keperluan istikharah itu sendiri. Yang tinggal, kekuatan hati dalam meneruskan sisa sisa hidup saya di sini. Akal saya telah memberitahu segala, dan hati saya kini tinggal untuk belajar menerima dan kuat sahaja.

Insyaallah, tuhan tidak kejam kan. Selagi air mata ini mengalir kerana-Nya, kesedihan ini di kongsi dengan-Nya, hati ini akan belajar menerima segala. Tidak perlu di toleh lagi kisah di belakang. Tinggalkan segala dan teruskan melangkah. Perjalanan hidup masih panjang. Yang berlalu biarkan.

Dan kini, orakan langkah ini berserta senyuman agar segala indah dan tiada lagi duka :) Kerana hidup ini indah bila bersama-Nya :)

When it is over

It just nothing to say. It was what i must admit but it so hard for me. Damn hard. I keep on hoping for something that never worth. NEVER. But again, i just can't controlled myself from that.

I do stalker him facebook everyday and when i notice that today was his convocation day, it really hurt me damn much. I don't know why, but it is. I'm waiting for it almost 4 years, but when the moment happen, i just nothing here. I never know, he never told me as he promise to me before.

Looking at his face, the happier he is, my heart hurt and the tears shown it. I just cant stop myself. I do want to share the happinest with him, but what does he do towards me? He never think about me at all. Never! And might be there was her beloved, celebrate with him too then he never remember me at all. What more else i can do.

I kept on calling him. I just want to wish by my own. I want to hear his voices. Honestly, i miss it damn much. Too much. But, did he know it? No and never. Did he feel the same with me? Not at all. Yes, i know it but, then why i do keep on hoping from him? Ah the stupid feeling.

When the call just a misscall, and the tears just like a river, heart and mind kept on telling bad thing. Do i need to trust it? I tried not too but as a little girl with full of emotion, it can't go away. I just admit it. And the tears became heavier than i thought.

Oh if i could, i just want to tell him how much i miss him every single day in my life. If i could, i want to hug him tightly, never let him go anymore and told him how i love him with all of my heart. Oh if i could i want to kiss him, let he feel the love of me, touch his face and whisper on his ears all the love that i have. And then, i'll do anything for him. Anything.

But, its only my hope. It would never happen. I knew it. And it hurt me more.

What can i do now? Nothing. Sat just beside the bed, cuddle the pillow with both leg on the chest, head down and rest on the knee, and sometime wipes the tears that won't stop at all. And its end with fall asleep just like that, like there was no more tomorrow in my life.


p/s : I'm dying inside.

Pencarian

hidup sentiasa mencari. pencarian takkan pernah berhenti. Bukan sekadar mencari pasangan, tapi lebih kepada mencari erti hidup sebenar. mencari identiti sendiri. Oh idup tak semudah A B C 1 2 3

Semalam, saya berbual di telefon bersama kawan lama saya. Beliau bercerita perihal mencari pasangan. Buat saya terfikir dan mahu menulis ini.

Saya selalu mencari. Mencari pasangan. Dulu saya anggap saya pernah ketemu. Tapi, kini saya rasa pencarian saya tidak sedalam mana. Perlu di gali lagi. Dan saya terus bangun melangkah dan memandang ke depan untuk mencari. Pencarian saya mungkin tidak seperti anda. Saya mencari melalui pemerhatian.

Jika di tanya, apakah yang saya cari dalam pasangan saya, jawapan mudah saja. Saya mencari tempat bergantung. Saya sudah penat untuk berdiri dengan sendiri. Saya sudah jemu lakukan segala tanpa bantuan orang. Bila berkahwin biarlah saya merasa ditolong, dibantu dan dilindungi.
Itu yang saya cari. Mungkin ada yang bertanya, "eh, itu je ke ciri ciri yang nak?" Semestinya jawapannya tidak. Ciri ciri asas yang semua orang senarai, tak perlu di senaraikan. Saya seperti anda juga. Menginginkan yang begitu dan begini. Cuma bezanya, saya menambah sedikit.

Tak perlulah siapa siapa pun dia, cukup sekadar dia adalah orang biasa. Cuma saya harapkan cintanya yang luar biasa pada saya. Cinta yang akan memayungi mahligai kami seindahnya hingga akhir hayat kami. Saya sudah penat menyayangi, izinkan saya untuk merasa disayangi.

Pencarian ini tak akan terhenti. Sehingga ke akhirnya. Semoga pencarian ini tidak merosakkan perjalanan hidupku yang lain.

Pesanan buat kekasih

sewaktu kau melangkah
meninggalkan diriku
sebaknya rasa di dalam dadaku
menahan titis air mata

ingin aku berpesan
kepadamu kekasih
sekiranya engkau merinduiku
hubungilah aku di sini

jika ada kesilapanku
maafkan lah diriku oh sayang
dan izinkan aku bertanya
mengapa kau berubah hati

kiranya kau ada penggantiku
tetapi hidupmu tak bahagia
rela ku memaafkan mu
dan menerimamu sayang

walaupun hatiku kau lukai
namun ku masih menyayangi
kerna sehingga waktu ini
cinta ku masih untukmu

oh sayang
dimana pun kau berada
janganlah kau lupakan aku
ingatlah aku walau sesaat
seorang insan yang terluka

ingin aku berpesan
kepadamu kekasih
kiranya engkau resah dan tak lena
itulah hembusan rinduku

Celebration

Then, i was done with my birthday celebration. My first and maybe my last one birthday celebration. Honestly, this is the first time. Since i was a kid, there was no birthday party, no birthday song, only a wishes from my beloved family; family i state here is my parents and my siblings only. And no present i would get from others, only mom. Yes, my mom never forget to gave me the present every time. Since i was a kid and till now. How can i say how much i appreciate it. See, the love of mom such great thing in my life. Then i no need others than her.

Back to the celebration... It was organized by my beloved friends, Hanabella. Credit to her. Even it was a simple one, only God know how i appreciate it. Too damn much,kay. With attendance from my cousin, my old friend and Hana's friends, it make it so nice. I really happy, blow the candle, make a wish, take a picture, have a chit chatting and laugh together. Oh how nice it is. Thanx to all, that make it soo nice and cheer me up.

The picture will be update later. The camera didn't have a cable yet. So, wait and see our smile on the day. :d

to those who make it real for me : thanx so much. I love u more more more each day :DD

Party wanna be ~

yeay.! I m going to my first birthday party. Woot Woot. It should be nice. I hope. So excited. And a big thank you for my beloved friend that organized it.

So, i m out here. Need to do some preparation. :DD

Lalala~

Speechless

Really speechless when it happen. Yea. It happen on my 23rd birthday. Oh first. Happy 23rd birthday of me. :DD I just turn 23years old. How the time is go so faster than i thought. And am i such big girl now? Theoretically, yes it is. But, practically, i don't think so. HAHA. I still a little girl. Yes, it was me and i happy with it.

The things is, when i notice my birthday was just around the corner, i start thinking about him. After 4 years i had been with him, after 4 times i celebrate my birthday with him, after 4 times i heard his voices and his sweet wishes, it make me to hope for something that never worth. Never. I know and realize it but for the little girl like me, what more do you would expect? Nothing was i expect, just a wishes from him, or a call maybe. HAHA. Still want to add something eh. But, is it would happen? I'm blank.

And now, the big reason i start this entry is because of it. My phone was silent hell for tonight, since the clock was shown 12mn and its mean 10 May 2010. My birthday. But, there was no one texting me, wish me like he did before. No one. But its ok. I not even care much. I continue with my facebook. Like i always do. Commenting people all over around and i got the wishes from my fellows friend there.It make me smile and laugh as i forgot what actually i have been waiting previously. At the moment i kept commenting my friend, with a lot of joy, my phone was alert me there was a message come in. And it was so so so surprise when the number had no name, just a digit that i really know.

0129xxxxx : Awak.. jz nk wish hppy 23rd bfday

It was HIM. Yes, it is. The text is really simple. Just a few words, with no feeling. Like the stranger texting me. But the moment i read it, i just can smile. Really speechless. Keep thinking is it i need or should to reply it. I just look at it again again and again. I put the phone left, open the mp3 and heard a song "love bug", make a status at facebook. And start writing this.

After a while, i hold my phone back. Thinking to reply it. But, really speechless. And my fingers move faster as it replied the text. Nothing to worry. Its only a text from a friend, just like i do to others. With no feeling. And it sound like i happily with it. Yes, i do.

0128xxxxxx : Thanx and congrate with chelsea celebration :D

HAHA. What do you think of it? Simple yet nice hu? Whatever it is, he never respond towards it anymore. And i know, it such a message from a stranger. :D

So, it END now. Nothing to regret. So surprise when there was no tears on my eyes, not even a needle that touch my heart. No pain at all. And it is the sign that i good for now. Pretty good. :D


To him : thanx for the wish. Unexpected. But i waiting for it. HAHA. Im fine now and you can life happily without my words. :D

Old School

2 hari lepas terjumpa ramai kawan kawan dari sekolah rendah. amat tak sangka. semua pun dah laen kan. then, jumpa gak hazman, and do chit chatting with him.

today, saya tengok wayang bersama beeliau and adik sepupu die. cerita iron man 2,. honestly saya tak minat cerita tue. tapi entah macam mane, nak ikut gak die. sebab bosan ah duk uma and malas lah balik kg lagi. ngantuk ngantuk. orang kuat tidur kan. miahaha.

sebenarnye, ada janji dengan k.awin nak tengok tudung. punya tunggu dari pagi tak sampai sampai. then janji jam 4ptg pon tak jugak. so, nak tak nak terpaksa batal. lagipun, hazman dah sampai nak kua g tengok wayang kan.

hati sangat lah berdebar bila nak jumpa k.awin tue (even tak jadi jumpe pon sebenarnye) . masa k.awin call dengar die ckp dengan anak die, "ini maklang la". oh, andai lah dia tahu hakikat sebenar. hati sebak sangat. sungguh, kamai tiada jodoh, tapi berat hakikat tu nak dihadapi :( ya allah, kuat kan hati saya. sama seperti apa mak cakap dan doakan.

thanx to hazman for make my day. honestly, sejak selalu sembang ngan beliau,saya dah mula lupakan dia. eh tak, saya tak lupa, tapi saya tak sibuk nak kacau die, hati daya kurang terdetik untuk mencari dia. dan saya mula tersenyum redha melepaskan dia.

Oleh itu, sekarang saya sudah janji, saya tak kan kembali pada dia. takkan. saya hanya menanti jodoh datang sendiri. saya akan terus berdoa tapi tidak lagi mencari. tuhan tahu hati saya. jadi saya tak takut :D saya yakin sangat dengan allah.

untuk dia : saya masih ingat awk. tapi, rindu saya dah kurang. sedih saya tinggal sikit. hanya akan mengalir air mata bila perasaan terkilan itu hadir. dan saya dah redha awak tiada lagi dalam hidup saya. be a good man k :)